What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your Love Life?


Spoiler alert:  nothing.

I could prattle on about the procession of the Zodiac (and how all of these signs are incorrect even from a bullshit perspective), rant about how the fundamental idea of Astrology (star energy~*~*~*) is silly, or explain how this is just the same crap psychics use rephrased, but I think I’m gonna do something less productive for once.  Lets openly mock.

You’re not one for wearing your heart on your sleeve, and while that works when you want to send off a mysterious vibe, it can also make you come off as a bit cold. “Aquarius can be extremely aloof even though they don’t mean to be,” says Lynch, adding that those born under the water bearer sign have “the capacity to run things through their heads without emotion.” This can go two ways: You’re great at solving problems with your man calmly and rationally, but you might sometimes seem unsympathetic.

In her practice, Lynch has found that Virgos make the best mates. You don’t expect too much, which means your relationships are generally easygoing. You’re happy with the simple things in life, so men don’t necessarily need to pull out all the stops to win you over. You can also look at things logically and without emotion, which can be good when you get into a fight. The biggest dating obstacle Virgos face is that they’re notoriously shy, which can make snagging a guy in the first place a challenge.

Apparently they couldn’t even be bothered to make up 12 archetypes because these two are exactly the same when you get down to it.  Do any of the other horoscopes suffer from this?  Yes.

“Sag women tend to break more hearts than any because they won’t hesitate to run out the door,” says Lynch. She describes women born under the centaur as freedom-loving types who often having problems with commitment. You’ll most likely stay single until you can find an adventurous guy who gives you plenty of space to travel, explore and try new things.

Hey, independent woman! You might find yourself perpetually single, but you’re usually OK with that. According to Lynch, it can be hard for an Aries to form a relationship because she’s so strong-willed. “Aries can live without a relationship,” she says. “They’re very independent. You don’t find them compromising that much.” Even when you do land a guy, it’s likely a little more Gossip Girl and a little less romantic bliss. Aries loves confrontation, which means plenty of drama.

I could keep going but, you get the point.  Not only is the advice being given hardly unique to each sign, but — and lets imagine for a moment that Astrology wasn’t complete nonsense — why would knowing generalities about yourself actually be of any use to you?  You know how you actually are without the use of Astrology!  You have access to more specific information just by being yourself, living your life, and engaging in introspection.  Knowing that a class of people tend to behave this way, when you already know that you behave that way (even if the two are subsets in some fashion) isn’t useful.  It’s like someone giving you a latitude-longitude coordinate, and you saying “Yes, but I don’t know where that is, what country is it in?”

Normal people run the gamut of these traits.  Sometimes we’re emotional, sometimes we’re reasonable, sometimes we’re nurturing, and yes, sometimes we’re dramatic.  A healthy person exhibits a wide range of behaviors, the idea that people can be defined by these archetypes would be incredibly worrying if it were true, because there would be a ton of one-dimensional people walking around out there whose very personality was determined at birth by cosmic forces.

Astrology not only robs you of your history by making it irrelevant (no, you’re not the sum of your experiences apparently), but by extension, it makes it impossible to change.  Which really just makes Astrology an exercise in futility ultimately:  if who you are now was determined largely at birth and you haven’t managed to deviate away from that yet, then you’re obviously not going to now, so this information isn’t really even possible to act on.

Congratulations world, you’re powerless and set in your ways, thanks Astrology!


How to Analyze Anything

Obama’s Spotify Playlist:  7 things it says about his campaign: Or how Yahoo News has made a business out of pulling shit out of your ass.

Hey, America. Can we talk? Great, pull up a chair. You comfortable? Need a drink or anythi– okay.


Because “news outlets” are no longer reporting on shit that has actually happened or is happening in the moment, but rather it has become an anthology of Livejournal-style entries that have ruthlessly skullfucked Facebook quizzes into a fine dust and then snorted it, blew its nose, and then fed it to someone’s cat who then shit out a turd that the dogs we know as Yahoo News consumers have eaten straight out of the litterbox of the internet.

You following me, camera guy?

We’re not even pretending to care about the issues anymore. The GOP debate is more or less a depressing danse macabre for anyone who has been paying attention while purported news outlets such as these spend their days peddling nonsense and waxing philosophic on a musical playlist. Not about the fact that Obama has recently made a huge stride in providing birth control access, not the fact that we have a race of GOP candidates who are more akin to one schizophrenic letting the voices in his head duke it out on a national platform than actual individuals with real differences, not the fact that scientific mistrust is alarmingly high to the point we’re STILL arguing about teaching creationism in schools, not the fact that we are a country that is actively doing our children a disservice by letting a failing public education system churn out future idiots — our time is better served engaging in deep dialogue about the meaning of Aretha Franklin’s inclusion, or worse, contemplating the tragic absence of rap/hip-hop.

This, this, my friends, is why we cannot have nice things. We live in a democracy of idiots who not only think that Americans are stupid and lazy enough to vote for a candidate based on his music choices, but those who actually do shit like that.

I listened to NPR the other day, and one person they interviewed after the recent primaries said that she voted Santorum because he “seemed like a nice guy”.

Welcome to America, you asked for it.