How to Analyze Anything

Obama’s Spotify Playlist:  7 things it says about his campaign: Or how Yahoo News has made a business out of pulling shit out of your ass.

Hey, America. Can we talk? Great, pull up a chair. You comfortable? Need a drink or anythi– okay.


Because “news outlets” are no longer reporting on shit that has actually happened or is happening in the moment, but rather it has become an anthology of Livejournal-style entries that have ruthlessly skullfucked Facebook quizzes into a fine dust and then snorted it, blew its nose, and then fed it to someone’s cat who then shit out a turd that the dogs we know as Yahoo News consumers have eaten straight out of the litterbox of the internet.

You following me, camera guy?

We’re not even pretending to care about the issues anymore. The GOP debate is more or less a depressing danse macabre for anyone who has been paying attention while purported news outlets such as these spend their days peddling nonsense and waxing philosophic on a musical playlist. Not about the fact that Obama has recently made a huge stride in providing birth control access, not the fact that we have a race of GOP candidates who are more akin to one schizophrenic letting the voices in his head duke it out on a national platform than actual individuals with real differences, not the fact that scientific mistrust is alarmingly high to the point we’re STILL arguing about teaching creationism in schools, not the fact that we are a country that is actively doing our children a disservice by letting a failing public education system churn out future idiots — our time is better served engaging in deep dialogue about the meaning of Aretha Franklin’s inclusion, or worse, contemplating the tragic absence of rap/hip-hop.

This, this, my friends, is why we cannot have nice things. We live in a democracy of idiots who not only think that Americans are stupid and lazy enough to vote for a candidate based on his music choices, but those who actually do shit like that.

I listened to NPR the other day, and one person they interviewed after the recent primaries said that she voted Santorum because he “seemed like a nice guy”.

Welcome to America, you asked for it.